I'm alive...despite what might (or might not) appear on my blog.

And by that I mean...I'm alive- and haven't documented this pregnancy well at all!! I think I've just been trying to keep up with Jovie (who's turned 5 years old this past month), and survive the hottest summer on record in AZ since 1997. Those two things alone have been enough to kill me off.

But let's be honest, that is not the only fun I have...

•  I get heart burn EVERY day (no matter what I eat or when I eat it)- so I combat that with a Zantac at least once every day! Thank goodness I had couponed those about a year ago and only paid $1 a box instead of a normal $8-$10/box!! 
• Then recently this sweet little baby girl has been kicking me as if she is trying out for a marshall arts movie!! She does a 1-2 punch on my ribs and then drop kicks me in the nether regions (at which time it's almost inevitable to wet myself if I haven't gone to the bathroom in the past 30 minutes). Geez.
• Plus- she's a night owl...so I have a feeling I will be up a lot during the night with this one. Jovie was so calm and easy- I guess this is pretty typical for the 2nd child to be totally unlike kid #1!
•  I also get the crazy pain in my sciatic nerve down my back- so I walk all crazy if I've been sitting for more than 30 minutes, or get up to pee in the night (which happens EVERY night)
• And for the past month I've been getting Braxton Hicks contractions in my belly- which is totally unfamiliar since I never had them with Jovie- and then labored in my back and not my stomach. 
• Oh, and don't forget the swollen feet. Elevate...elevate...elevate. Drink water (but really want Diet Dr. Pepper instead)...and more water. ugh. 
• And I love waking up in the middle of the night, panicked that we don't (even slightly) have a name picked out for this baby. 

The joys of pregnancy. Through it all, I know I've been prepped to have this baby. I know that what I go through is common, or even typical. But it still feels special to me. I couldn't have asked for a bigger miracle. And I'm grateful beyond measure for the blessing of carrying this healthy baby and adding this angel to my family. I'm keenly aware of the struggle that others (especially those near and dear to me) go through to have children and I am very aware of how I act during pregnancy. I just want them to know that when they hurt, I hurt. Even if they don't know I know. I've cried those same tears of frustration, anger and despair. But I also know that the Lord's plan for us is on His timetable- and not ours. I can vouch for being impatient. I always thought I'd have 4 kids- two years apart and be totally sane in the process. But this trial has taught me much more about myself...my faith...and the need to rely on those who love and care about you. 

Well, 7 more weeks in pregnancy left...and I realized I have VERY few pictures of this belly. My sweet neighbor Shannon Beckstead snapped a pic of me upon leaving a baptism the other day and said I needed it for my posterity. At the time, I was just trying to be nice and allow her to take it- but I'm glad I did. Jovie did a pretty good job at covering me up- but you get the idea. Baby bump.

It's official...we're pregnant!!

I honestly couldn't be happier. These weeks of exhaustion and nausea will all be worth it!! Baby Kimball is due 11/12/13!! I'm gonna make that date happen if there is any way at all possible!! I actually had a dream about this date last year in November right before I was due for surgery to remove another polyp in my uterus. Little did I know that I'd need to go through invitro to get pregnant, and not find out anything until March 6!! With all of the shots, medications and crazy time tables I wasn't even sure how to calculate my due date! But when Dr. Zoneraich called and congratulated (literally yelled it into the phone) us that I was pregnant he told me the due date and I just cried!! And since this was the 6th time being pregnant, I just had a calm feeling that THIS one was going to make it. Never in my life could I have prepared myself for the heartache of 3 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy. But through all of this I have remained faithful and optimistic. More than anything, having children is a righteous desire. That is natural. I just couldn't be happier.

This ultrasound is my third one. My first was at 6 weeks- and even then I could see AND HEAR my baby's heartbeat. I had another at 7 weeks and everything is going great. When I got home from my appt with this ultrasound image I showed Jovie and she said "Awe, this baby is so cuuuuuuuute, Mom". You are so right, Jov. She is gonna be the best big sister.

Another year older...

The last 6 months have been...well. busy. Which helps me cope with the fact that I've tried doing 3 rounds of Artificial Insemination (IUI) in the hopes of getting pregnant. Two of those attempts have had positive pregnancies, and almost immediately turned to miscarriage. There are days of complete frustration and loss, but I'm trying to remember the "BIG PICTURE"...the one I can't see, but ultimately the Lord can. More often than not, I've wanted to curl up in a ball and forget all this crap is happening...yet, I know the Lord is preparing me, and reminding me that it's about needing to rely on the shoulders of the Savior when I am about to fall.

I know that this particular trial in my life is well designed. Believe me, I've struggled in other areas throughout my life...but this, having children, is the ONE area I have no control over...and that is why this will be MY BIG TRIAL OF LIFE!! This is what will keep me humble, and relying on my Savior, Jesus Christ.

This time of year makes me very introspective. Mainly, because I turn another year older (21- isn't it weird how I keep staying the same age)...and I keep wondering if my vain worries of teen hood are actually going to come to fruition (the one where when my kids are in high school I look so old that their friends think I'm the grandma instead if the mom). I guess regardless, now isn't the time to be worried about that, it's the time to enjoy my current family, and forget about what I can't control (like having babies). I'm lucky to have a supportive husband, who also has had to deal with the heartache of miscarriage alongside me.

On another note- I'm starting in-vitro. Blake and I have taken a few months to weigh our options and our reproductive endocrinologist says that this should be the best option for our family. It's hard not to be impatient in moments like these, but I know that good things come to those who wait.

Artificial Insemination (IUI) round 3...

Well, this time I've been hopeful. I figured it was a good sign to be traveling to my birth place (Petoskey, MI) right when I'd find out if I was pregnant or not. After being on vacation for a few days I had to go to the lab near the hospital to have my blood drawn. (On a side note, this is the 2nd month in a row I've had them draw my blood while sitting up- as opposed to laying down!! That's HUGE progress for me and my queasy stomach!)

Well- the office called that afternoon and gave me the news...PREGNANT!!! BUT, my hcg levels were only at a 32 (again pointing out that its safe to be between 50-100 at 4 weeks). So they had me come in again 2 days later- Friday August 3rd (same day Blake flew from Detroit to San Diego to go to his cousin Trevor Briggs' wedding). Well, I wasn't able to go in to the lab until late afternoon and unfortunately the lab in Michigan wasn't able to fax the results to my Dr in AZ before closing time- so we had to wait ALL WEEKEND to get the results. Talk about stressful. Well, by Monday the Dr called and said that my Friday results we're good- my hcg doubled to a 65, so everything was on track for a good pregnancy! Plus I was feeling SUPER nauseated all weekend so that was good in my eyes!

But they wanted to monitor me until my hcg levels were at 1500 so I had to go in Tuesday to do another blood test. I was feeling prettying good at this point especially since this was my 3rd time in the lab sitting up in the chair--- without passing out!! YESSSSSSSSSSS! I got the call late that afternoon. My hcg levels dropped to a 5. So... another miscarriage. Week 5.

It's crazy how elated you can be in one moment one day... and a total wreck the next.

I think it's time to move on from the medical procedures and just focus on other methods. Not sure exactly, but fostering has really started to burn into me lately. And of course I have always considered adopting, since the day my very own sister gave her baby up for adoption 14 years ago. I was blessed to be living with her through her whole pregnancy, and I truly believe that babies are divinely placed with the family they should be with...for eternity!

I guess when one chapter ends... another one begins.

Update IUI round 2...

Well, I got the news...it ended up being a biochemical pregnancy. So, I guess the positive is that the speem and egg are doing what they should, but just aren't implanting for one reason or another.

I guess 3rd time's the charm. (Hopefully)

Artificial Insemination (IUI)...round 2.

So, we tried out insemination for the first time last month. Not successful. Sad? Of course. Awful, actually. But, I am more and more astounded at the kindness of people who live in my neighborhood and who just plain care about my family and I. Aimee Teerlink and Kate Winsor have been my angels since moving in to this house. I honestly don't know what I'd do without these great friends in my life. They aren't the only ones either...just the ones I can mention at this point.

So, upon trying another round of insemination, they upped my Clomid from 50 mg to 100 mg. Man, that stuff really puts me in a mood...geez. Watch out, world!! Good thing I only had to take it 5 days.

Just for memories sake, I'm going to document my monthly routine for IUI.

Days 1-3- Period
Day 3- Ultrasound (to make sure there aren't any cysts on the ovaries caused by Clomid)
Days 3-7- Take Clomid
Day 10- Get Booty (for better lack of words)
Day 12- Ultrasound (had 25 mm follicle on left ovary- none on right ovary). Did trigger shot (which tells your body to ovulate) that night- Blake did the shot and everything went smoothly- as smoothly as can be when your husband is stabbing you with a needle. Guh- I hate needles. Maybe this whole process is supposed to teach me to be tolerant of blood, needles and shots. Geez. Also... get booty.
Day 14- IUI DAY! I actually got to watch them on an ultrasound insert the tube with semen up into my uterus. That was a trip. At least I know it is getting done properly! Oh- and Jovie witnessed it too (hopefully these won't be one of those horrific memories of childhood that she doesn't figure out until she's 30)...she was playing on the iPad for the most part, but of course she was curious as to what Dr. Zoneraich was doing with all of those "things".
Day 28- Blood test to determine pregnancy. Well, last time one of the nurses called at about 1pm- with the negative pregnancy news. This time, I waited until 3:45pm and finally called the office cuz I couldn't wait another second- and the receptionist said Dr. Larsen would be calling with results in a little while. Ok, so at 4:30pm he calls to tell me the pregnancy is POSITIVE!! But (and yes, a BIG but...) he said I MAY have what is called a (bio)chemical pregnancy. He said that my HCG level was at a 12, but a normal pregnancy is between 50-100 at this stage. It is possible that everything will be just fine and that if my HCG numbers quadruple by Tuesday- when they do another blood test, then the pregnancy is a GO!! But if my numbers go up, but don't quadruple, there is a possibility that I may have ANOTHER ectopic pregnancy. guh. Or, if the HCG numbers go down, then this biochemical pregnancy is happening. In essence, it just means that the sperm and egg joined, but had issues implanting (sometimes is a genetic thing)- which will end up in miscarriage (but really feels and acts just like a period). So, we wait...Tuesday tells it all.

I'm really trying to stay positive. Obviously, I've got babies in heaven trying to make their way down here...I just have to be patient on the timing. It's (mostly) out of my control. It's up to the Lord's time and His will, and my humility and faith.

That said, it freakin' sucks having Blake just leave out of town today to Atlanta to record an album for Her & Gold until Tuesday morning. I just hope no weird crap goes down while he is gone. I can't do that again- it will (for sure) give him a complex about ever leaving me home by myself again.

What was I so worried about??

So earlier this month I had my appt with the fertility dr to find out I needed surgery. Between then and now I've had a few mini melt downs, but overall I have felt good about having this surgery done. Today I had my laproscopy (polyposcopy) surgery. Basically just had a laproscope go up into the uterus and locate the polyp (much like a skin tag, but on the inside of the body) and then they snip it off. No biggie. The worst part...getting the I.V. The staff and nurses at Canyon Springs Surgery Center were fabulous- and the nurse who did the I.V. was spot on. I just wish I could get through that without the feeling of passing out. I even have them lay me back and I still get all pale and cold sweats. Rough. Pretty sure I gave Blake THE most pathetic look in my arsenal of faces!!

But I loved when I had the anesthesia...the lovely anesthesiologist called it "liquid courage"...I like that thought. I've had many surgeries in my life and have never had issues with having anesthesia (luckily) so this was just another walk in the park. I was in and out of the hospital in 2 hours so I was one happy camper. Thankfully Blake's mom watched Jovie in the morning and we were home by noon. I was a bit groggy still from the anesthesia plus lack of sleep (since it took FOREVER to fall asleep last night- what can I expect...night owl + nerves) so both Jovie and I took naps. So needed! Then at 5:30 (on the nose) my lovely neighbors brought us a FABULOUS dinner. I feel so blessed. And I'm just a teensy bit sore...that's it. I feel like this day couldn't have gone any better. 

I am already feeling like my plate is emptying...surgery- check. Stake choir performance- finished (and OH was it fabulous- if I do say so myself). Started on family Christmas shopping- check. Ward Christmas music- picked. Ward Christmas party music- still working on it...but close.  

I'll go ahead and say it...What was I so worried about??