The last 6 months have been...well. busy. Which helps me cope with the fact that I've tried doing 3 rounds of Artificial Insemination (IUI) in the hopes of getting pregnant. Two of those attempts have had positive pregnancies, and almost immediately turned to miscarriage. There are days of complete frustration and loss, but I'm trying to remember the "BIG PICTURE"...the one I can't see, but ultimately the Lord can. More often than not, I've wanted to curl up in a ball and forget all this crap is happening...yet, I know the Lord is preparing me, and reminding me that it's about needing to rely on the shoulders of the Savior when I am about to fall.
I know that this particular trial in my life is well designed. Believe me, I've struggled in other areas throughout my life...but this, having children, is the ONE area I have no control over...and that is why this will be MY BIG TRIAL OF LIFE!! This is what will keep me humble, and relying on my Savior, Jesus Christ.
This time of year makes me very introspective. Mainly, because I turn another year older (21- isn't it weird how I keep staying the same age)...and I keep wondering if my vain worries of teen hood are actually going to come to fruition (the one where when my kids are in high school I look so old that their friends think I'm the grandma instead if the mom). I guess regardless, now isn't the time to be worried about that, it's the time to enjoy my current family, and forget about what I can't control (like having babies). I'm lucky to have a supportive husband, who also has had to deal with the heartache of miscarriage alongside me.
On another note- I'm starting in-vitro. Blake and I have taken a few months to weigh our options and our reproductive endocrinologist says that this should be the best option for our family. It's hard not to be impatient in moments like these, but I know that good things come to those who wait.
