** This will be a graphic "mommy" post- so for those who get squeemish talking anything "mommy" related, just skip to the end. **
Life is hard. There is no better way to put it. But, life is also really good. Jovie knows how to calm my troubled heart. Tonight, when laying her down for bed, she said "night, night, Mama" and made kissing noises from under her binkie. That is sweet...she is just awesome. I am one lucky mama.
This past week has been tough, yet strangely good. On Wednesday morning I got the best news anyone who loves children could ever get- a positive pregnancy test!! By this time I was a week late, so I figured I would give it a shot and take the test. When this has happened before, I have been reluctant to get excited to take the test because it just ends up being negative. Ugh. As if just getting your period isn't bad enough! But even when I saw the positive test, I just didn't feel the same way as when I got a positive test for Jovie. I didn't feel the same. I suppose it was Heavenly Father's way of protecting me. Protecting my heart, my emotions, and my relationship with Blake.
It didn't take but a few short hours for the nausea to set in. But that's also when the cramping started. And the blood (evidently 70% of women bleed throughout their pregnancy- and is completely normal...I just never did with Jovie)...so naturally I was really alarmed. It was red...really red. And when that combines with cramping that is not good. So I did some internet searches and called my doc...most likely if I continue to bleed, then it may be a miscarriage.
So, Wednesday came and went...and the bleeding continued. Thursday was surprisingly good- I was nauseated the whole day...so I saw that as a positive sign. Friday the bleeding came back in full force- as did the nausea. By Saturday morning I could no longer stand the anticipation. I had to know. Did I still have a baby inside me? So, I took a test... negative. Well, there was my answer. Did I really want to know? No. In my heart I already knew the answer.
**We've been trying to have a baby for a year. Reality really sucks some times. I guess I already figured that I had learned patience when waiting 3 long years to get pregnant with Jovie. I suppose Heavenly Father felt I needed to be humbled. again. He's right. I do.
I've been in surprisingly good spirits this week, considering. I understand the plan of salvation. I KNOW that I will see all of my (spirit) children some day. I know this special little spirit just wasn't ready to come join our family yet. There is a reason for all things and I have faith that through our trials in life we can gain a stronger testimony of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and learn to lean on Him as well as on our friends and family when we need strength the most.