Tuesday, February 1, 2011

My baby...

** This will be a graphic "mommy" post- so for those who get squeemish talking anything "mommy" related, just skip to the end. **

Life is hard. There is no better way to put it. But, life is also really good. Jovie knows how to calm my troubled heart. Tonight, when laying her down for bed, she said "night, night, Mama" and made kissing noises from under her binkie. That is sweet...she is just awesome. I am one lucky mama.

This past week has been tough, yet strangely good. On Wednesday morning I got the best news anyone who loves children could ever get- a positive pregnancy test!! By this time I was a week late, so I figured I would give it a shot and take the test. When this has happened before, I have been reluctant to get excited to take the test because it just ends up being negative. Ugh. As if just getting your period isn't bad enough! But even when I saw the positive test, I just didn't feel the same way as when I got a positive test for Jovie. I didn't feel the same. I suppose it was Heavenly Father's way of protecting me. Protecting my heart, my emotions, and my relationship with Blake.

It didn't take but a few short hours for the nausea to set in. But that's also when the cramping started. And the blood (evidently 70% of women bleed throughout their pregnancy- and is completely normal...I just never did with Jovie)...so naturally I was really alarmed. It was red...really red. And when that combines with cramping that is not good. So I did some internet searches and called my doc...most likely if I continue to bleed, then it may be a miscarriage.

So, Wednesday came and went...and the bleeding continued. Thursday was surprisingly good- I was nauseated the whole day...so I saw that as a positive sign. Friday the bleeding came back in full force- as did the nausea. By Saturday morning I could no longer stand the anticipation. I had to know. Did I still have a baby inside me? So, I took a test... negative. Well, there was my answer. Did I really want to know? No. In my heart I already knew the answer.

**We've been trying to have a baby for a year. Reality really sucks some times. I guess I already figured that I had learned patience when waiting 3 long years to get pregnant with Jovie. I suppose Heavenly Father felt I needed to be humbled. again. He's right. I do.

I've been in surprisingly good spirits this week, considering. I understand the plan of salvation. I KNOW that I will see all of my (spirit) children some day. I know this special little spirit just wasn't ready to come join our family yet. There is a reason for all things and I have faith that through our trials in life we can gain a stronger testimony of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and learn to lean on Him as well as on our friends and family when we need strength the most.

13 comments:

Amanda Cluff said...

I am so sorry. I know all to well the wanting to be pregnant so bad and it not happening. Hang in there and thank goodness Heavenly Father knows what we need better than we do. Sometimes I just don't like his timeline.

Marci McLain said...

I am so sorry Mandy! It doesn't matter when you lose a baby it is hard, but it also strengthens your testimony and your faith. You are a very strong woman and will continue to be blessed as you lean on your faith. Know you are loved!!

Tiffany said...

Oh Mandy, You have such great faith and patience. Sorry to hear about your loss.

I got your letter in the mail- you have such an eventful, fun life. What a fun year.

Take care!

Carrie & Dustin said...

I'm so sorry to read this Mandy. Me and Dustin tried for 5 years to get our little Hanna, and I'm afraid for next year when start to try for the second time that we may be pressing our luck. Lucky for us we have the Gospel in our lives and we know the bigger picture. God gives us things in his time, and its funny how things seem to go right in line when he's ready to bless us with the things we've been praying for. Hang in there!

The Wizzle said...

I'm so, so sorry Mandy. My heart hurts for you. I'm glad that Jovie is such a dear, wonderful, hilarious age and it sounds like she is taking good care of you!

Alicia said...

Oh Mandy, this is all too familiar. 5 times over for me in similar ways and it just plain sucks. We love you and are thinking of you and hope your body heals quickly. Your heart, well, I don't think my will ever quite heal, but I have found peace, mainly in the two beautiful boys that I do have, but I am really gun shy now. It's hard not to question and wonder why, but I am hoping one day we will understand and like you said, get to know those spirits. You will be in my prayers and I am so thankful you have Jovie. :) xoxo

Alisha Compton said...

Saddened to hear about your miscarriage, but I am warmed by your positivity and outlook. Our bodies are so fragile and life is so precious. Thinking of you and your sweet family...

Em said...

I don't know what its like, I'm sure its hard and it sucks but you are a great example of preserverance and one who doesn't give up and continues to have faith. Thank you for that. I know you'll be blessed for this trial. Sometimes you just can't see the end. Keep your head up and your heart strong. You are an awesome example. Things will happen. I can feel it. :)

THE GREER FAMILY said...

I think your little one must have needed to hurry back to heaven to help guide my little Brigham back. Maybe he/she was hoping Brigham would be able to pull through (like we all hoped) and it would be ok to come to your family now. Justin and I felt many noble spirits in Brigham's NICU room waiting to take him back to heaven when he passed away. I'm sure my Brigham and your little one were great friends in the spirit world. Someday. We'll all be together again.

Deb said...

Been there. A couple times. Sucks, but everything you said is right on. Thinking about you and hope you are feeling better.

onehm said...

I'm so sorry to hear this news. So glad that you have sweet Jovie to keep your focus on.
I know it doesn't make it any easier, but you are not alone. I have miscarried and also endured the waiting game that is random infertility. Just remember that Heavenly Father has a plan for you and your family.
You are a wonderful mother and your sweet kiddos will be here before you know it!!
BIG HUGS!

Cara said...

Mandy, I'm so sorry. That is the worst to have to go through. There is a reason for it. I'm so sorry though. I hope you're doing better. I will give you a call soon.

Ashparagus said...

Oh Mandy. I am so sorry. I can not imagine anything as hard as having a miscarriage, other than losing a child in this life. I know how hard it is to want another child so much, but the timing isn't right in Heavenly Father's eyes. So until that time, I just stare at Cole and take in every single moment I can with him. I am so lucky to have him, as you are so lucky to have Jovie. Hang in there, mandy! It will happen when its time!! Love you!